Mock mock, Who's there?
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'SUBURBAN LOUNGE NEAR HEMET'
Elderly couple, Mr A and Mrs B are staring at an aquarium at a
clam that is sitting in the middle of a rock motionless and facing
away from them. A car is heard drawing up.
Mr A Oh good, that'll be the vet.
Mrs B I'd better go and let him in.
Mrs B goes out and comes back into room with the
vet
Mrs B(stage Whisper) It's the vet
dear.
Mr A Oh very glad you could come round, sir.
Vet Not at all. Now what seems to be the problem?
You can tell me - I'm a vet, you know.
Mrs B See! Tell him, dear.
Mr A Well ...
Mrs B It's our clam. He doesn't do anything. He
just sits there on his rock in the aquarium.
Vet Is he ... dead?
Mrs A Oh, no!
Vet (to camera, dramatically) Thank God for
that. For one ghastly moment I thought I was ... too late. If only
more people would call in the nick of time.
Mrs B He just sits there, all day and every
day.
Mr A And at night.
Mrs B Sh! Almost motionless. He doesn't do
anything. He just sits there.
Vet Are you at your wits' end?
Mrs B Definitely, yes.
Vet Hm. I see. Well I think I may be able to help
you. You see ... (he goes over to armchair, puts on spectacles,
sits, crosses legs and puts fingers together) ... Your clam is
suffering from what we vets haven't got a word for. His condition
is typified by total physical inertia, absense of interest in its
ambience - what we vets call environment - failure to respond to
the conventional external stimuli. To be blunt, your clam is in a
rut. It's the old stockbrokers syndrome, the suburban fin de siecle
ennui, angst, weltsmerz, call it what you will.
Mrs B Moping.
Vet In a way, in a way ... hum ... moping, I must
remember that. Now, what's to be done? Tell me sir, have you
confused your clam recently?
Mr A Well we ...
Mrs B Sh! No.
Vet Yes, well I think I can say that your clam
badly needs to be confused.
Mrs B What?
Mr A Sh! What?
Vet Confused. To shake it out of its state of
complacency. I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse
clams, but I can recommend an extremely good service. Here is their
card.
Mrs B (reading card) Oooh. 'Confuse - a -
Clam Limited'.
Mr A 'Confuse - a - Clam Limited'.
Picture freezes, superimposed are the words 'Confuse - a
- Clam Limited', dramatic music. the words start to roll, like
ordinary credits, but read:
CONFUSE - A - CLAM LIMITED
INCORPORATING
AMAZE - A -VOLE LDT
STUN - A -STOAT LDT
PUZZLE - A PUMA LTD
STARTLE - A - THOMPSON GAZELLE LTD
BEWILDEREBEEST INC
DISTRACT - A - BEE
Adapted from a Monthy Python
sketch